So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i drank out of a bidet.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
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