I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
