we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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