Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
