my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
