she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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