I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Randomize
