I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
