I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
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If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
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Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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