So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
