And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
