There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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