My cat gives me a boner
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
