Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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