Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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