remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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