new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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