yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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