So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work