i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?