my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.