I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen