Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
