I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
