I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
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Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
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I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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