just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
We left the knife in your bed.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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