i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
