I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES