Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.