Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
