I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize