i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
