I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
