I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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