First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
