I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
