I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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