you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
