can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
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He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I think i got beer on your cat.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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