i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
