Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
