Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
How external is "for external use only"?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
