Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
