Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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