he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
