if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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