So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
God, I missed his penis.
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