Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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