No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
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I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
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We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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