Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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