remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
