i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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