Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
