I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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