he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
