wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
