yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
