hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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