I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
23 Times Kids Said the Harshest Things
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
21 Rich People Confess The Best And Worst Things About Being Wealthy
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.