i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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