The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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