Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
