Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
